The Mommy Journey

Step by step I grow as he grows

Another Point of View Issue 1

on August 24, 2012

I like my world to have perspective. We get so can get so caught up in our own worlds that we don’t see things from the other side. Sometimes it’s not for lack of trying but rather from lack of understanding a certain point of view. So I have asked a few people to do guest posts for me from their point of view, which differs a lot to mine. From women who have chosen not to have kids to women who simply can’t, women who chose to Breastfeed till the age of 3 and those who went straight to the bottle. Single moms, single dads, women who suffered PND.

My first APOV guest blogger is a good friend from the food blogging side of my life. She was the first to head the request for this particular point of view and that is “Women who chose not to have children”.

When I was 18 and in the final year of high school I had a pregnancy scare. I think it was more to do with final exams than anything else, but it helped me make up my mind that I did not want children. I was in a serious and committed relationship but at 18 with my whole life ahead of me, children were not something I wanted to think about. I made this feeling quite known, and I have been told on numerous occasions since then “don’t worry, you will change your mind”. Well, I never have and now I am 43! When Mr. K and I ended our relationship I was in my twenties and I started to date. I had a few serious but short term relationships in the next two years and one of the guys I was involved with was divorced with two kids. His twins’ were 6 years old and the one thing Dov was adamant about was that he would not saddle me with his children when I clearly did not want any of my own. As much as I loved them, being a mother at 23 to two 6 year olds was not something I wanted, and as he had custody of the boys, this would have been my future. At 24 I met Dave and the first thing he told me when we started dating was that if I wanted kids I needed to date someone else. He had two children from his first marriage and as he never wanted to be a father in the first place, he did not want to ruin a relationship by heading down the same path again. I was 25 and so relieved. Here was a man who did not want more kids, and I told him that I did not want children of my own. This simple statement led to a lot of conflict over the next 7 years as not wanting children of my own also meant in Dave’s mind that I did not want his children. In fact, even though they spent time with us in the initial stages of our relationship there have been many more years where they have not spent time with me.

That aside, I have never had the desire to be a mother. I love babies, my friend’s children and my nieces with all my heart. I am a godmother and love the honour. But, I have never wanted to be pregnant, or experience the joy of childbirth. I could not imagine having my body ruined for unbridled love! It sounds selfish but at 20 that was how I saw it. As I have got older my thoughts have changed. I don’t want to breastfeed – that has never changed. But now, I could not imagine giving up all the freedom I have. Dave and I have been financially responsible for his children, and that commitment has not entirely ended. But with the end of school fees came the ability to go overseas every year. I can do what I want, when I want, without having to worry about children. I don’t have to think about the next 20 years in terms of education and clothing. All I have to concern myself with is giving undivided attention to my husband, whom I love with all my being.

I don’t have the urge to have children but our bodies are amazing and the one thing I have noticed the closer I get to menopause is that my eggs are dictating my body’s needs and as I ovulate and the eggs are running out, my husband becomes far sexier to me, than at other times of the month! This is what I think my friend’s have called their biological clock and what they have heeded and had children late in life. Me, I’m listening to my head and my heart and I am not listening to my body – having children is not the life for me!


11 responses to “Another Point of View Issue 1

  1. Miri Moo says:

    I totally respect your choice. I am however concerned how more and more people are referring to having children with “ruining” your body.

  2. Thank you! This is a great article. I think there should be more questions and doubt placed on those who want kids, since those who don’t won’t be influencing anyone else’s life. And I am a mommy, but having kids was a difficult decision for me.

  3. Baglady says:

    Such an honest article. I so understand the freedom sacrifice. That was my main reason for not wanting kids. Now that I have a little one, I still miss my freedom and the ability to do what I want when I want the most.

  4. Whenever you see stories like this, the “you’ll change your mind” statement always comes up. It’s frightening the number of people who think they know your own mind better than you do yourself. After ten years I’m still hearing it and it’s still not any closer to happening.

  5. Having always wanted kids, I find it difficult to relate to this post. BUT, in the same breath – I totally and completely respect the author for being brave enough to understand what she wants in life and not just have a child because society expects you to. Hats off to you!

  6. adinparadise says:

    I admire your honesty, Tandy, and believe that women should never feel pressured into having babies. We are all given free choice in so many aspects of our lives, and it’s really important to be allowed make the right decisions, independent of what other people think.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: